I would love to share my joy and thankfulness to God through what was physically a difficult time recently. A year ago I was diagnosed with Breast cancer. I know Gods hand on my life and His care was so evident throughout the process, as I wasn’t due to have a mammogram or ultrasound for another year, but my Doctor insisted on having one sooner because of my family history. I was singing to God as I was lying there having the ultrasound watching the screen and seeing the lumps that were being marked . Not really knowing what I was looking at but having a feeling it wasn’t quite right, I said to God “I don’t care what the outcome here is God, I just want to be with You and close to You.” The lumps were confirmed as cancer and I was booked in to see the surgeon the following week.
I don’t care what the outcome here is God, I just want to be with You and close to You
I have loved through this, not thinking about what might be ahead in the future but being with God in each step and at His pace and His timing. I was feeling a bit anxious before the surgeons appointment knowing what the options were and the implications of that, but loved knowing that day was just another day in God’s plan for me and that I was just going to have more of His plan revealed to me that day. I felt such a rest and trust in God.
I finished my 6 months of chemo treatments a few months ago. I’ve loved reflecting back to that day having the ultrasound and expressing my desire to just be with Him no matter the outcome and now looking back knowing the truth of that, knowing we have done it together. The chemo was tough, but it feels insignificant compared to what has taken place in my relationship with God – the richness, fullness and intimacy of my relationship with Him. I also love that going through this with Him, the daily outworking for me was being raw, open and vulnerable with my husband, the family and the church community. I love that God has used this time to show me more of myself and my ways and more of Himself and His ways in such a personal way.
The chemo was tough, but it feels insignificant compared to what has taken place in my relationship with God
There have been so many significant times where God has spoken to me directly or through someone. I love that what God has said and shown me, is not just for this period of my life, it’s how God wants me to live, and has always wanted me to live, but I’ve never given God that place in my life where He is everything to me. Before my operation He said through a friend that “He’s to be my security, the rock I must stand on.”
Early on in the chemo treatment when I was feeling quite sick, emotional and all over the place, I felt disappointed in myself that I didn’t feel the ‘joy’ that I had earlier on, and therefore thought God would be feeling the same – which was my perspective. I loved expressing this and getting God’s perspective that joy isn’t an emotional ‘happy’ – but joy, like love, is far deeper than our emotions and that joy is as simple as knowing I’m with God whatever the situation. I loved that, as I knew that even on my worst days, physically feeling unwell, I was always with God.
One night, I felt upset looking in the mirror and seeing the results of my operation and the effects of the chemo with my bald head, no eyebrows and no eyelashes. God clearly said to me “I’m not looking in the mirror with you.” I felt He was lovingly saying that what I saw in the mirror wasn’t important to Him. The next day during worship in church a prophecy was given. God said “I want you to be looking outward, where I’m looking”. I loved that as it gave clarity to what I’d felt the night before, to only be focused on what is important to Him.
During chemo I became very breathless and my legs were quite weak, which meant using a walking stick and then a mobility walker to help with balance and stability. I’ve loved in this knowing from God that the physical doesn’t matter, my pride and how I look using the stick or walker, He’s all that matters. I’ve loved the rest in being realistic too in what I could and couldn’t do physically and knowing what God feels about it, as opposed to ‘what I’d like to do’, trusting God and the people around me and their perspective on my life. I had the line from a song we sing “I have made your call my own… my independence gone forever” running through my head and my heart and knew that God was asking me to lay my independence down, not just in relation to my physical capabilities at the moment, but my whole life – for the rest of my life.
I know, like I never have before, that God is my rock, strength, security and my everything
I loved the joy in doing that in response to a word from God for me, which really touched me. He said, “Oh my Deborah, just melt into Me”. I loved the picture of that to just lay back and totally melt into His form so that there’s nothing of me. I know, like I never have before, that God is my rock, strength, security and my everything. He’s been the constant no matter what. I feel so privileged to have had this intimate and personal time with God, knowing I’m in the centre of His will and living in joy and thankfulness.